I don't know whether I am currently suffered the prenatal blue or not, maybe I am not since I am able to tell and share with you..
So, maybe it is just an emotional unstable which caused by hormone changes. I don't know and can't stop myself to have the cry, I have been crying intermittently, nothing can stop me to have this on and off crying. I tried to sort out the problems (see, maybe I am not that serious to claim myself have the prenatal blue since I am able to sort the problems out), but just can't have concrete thinking and proper solutions to cope with my current situation.
I seem happy and nothing as from my hubby's mouth, of course, I just try to conceal my feelings and thinkings in front of him. For me, I always think there is not point for me to share my thoughts with him. Perhaps our relationship just deprived of communication or what..i am not sure, I just feel there is something there…he is good enough for family, he works hard for us and his parents..but I always think a family not only build up on work and money, I do hope to have a happy family but definitely not this current type. Friend said I should learn what is satisfaction as I don't need to work and we don't have financial crisis, but be frankly, I feel nostalgia for my ex-life in KL, though both of us needed to work and we couldn't have luxury enjoying, I tell you, I still prefer that kind of life at least I have my friends and my career there..somemore I was less lonely that time.
He is great as he never put me in any financial problems, but money is not everything. As a woman, I think I need more caring and concerns from my loved one rather than just know how to give me money. He is the one who likes to share his happiness and sadness with me, he would tell me about his daily happenings of course not in full detailed manner. The way he told maybe such a way to inform me..but he is totally can't share my happiness and sadness, he would show me the most hated sour face or talk sarcastically when I trying to share. That's why I said no point to tell him my currently dreary blues, it only will push me into more deeper hole instead of pulling me out.
I can't deny some of my blues are came from him, what a sudden I realized that he is just so irresponsible, especially for the No.2. I don't want to say it here as I really don't want there is a day my No.2 read his papa's thought from this blog. But, I seem helpless as I can't vent out my thoughts, I hate the way he said, for me I can't see any joyous spirit from him to welcome his son, though he always says he loves him. But what is love? Love is trying to keep apart from your son? His mindset is baby is troublesome (that's never happened when we were having Jo) especially baby needs night feeds. When I told him I will bring back the baby and Jo to China, his first sentence is “who is going to make him milk at night, I won’t be able to do it, I need my sleep”….i remember this…this is such an irresponsible talked from a papa..Second time, I bought the return tickets (from KK to Macau) a week back during Airasia promotion, he said this again “why bring back the baby, can you cope with 2 kids at the same time?”…ok, I remember this again. Baby is a max problem for him, ya, maybe he just prefers us to stay in KK till the baby is old enough, or maybe he wants me to give my baby to my MIL, but I tell you..i won't do that, everyone knows my MIL doesn't like me and I really can’t see a good reason for me to pass the baby to her. I am a mother, I will take care my kids with my full contribution, this is a least line..he said these just reflected how selfish of him. He has his points or maybe he said these for my good sake, but what I felt is he is totally selfish and irresponsible. He even told me it is necessary to hire a maid for his mother when I told him maybe I will let my MIL to take care the baby for few days when I am going to KL. But, please, is it wise to hire a maid for few days only? If he can think to hire a maid, then how come he couldn't think to hire a full time nanny in China who can take care the baby and do some house chores at the same time? So, is it distinct for you to see the situation? He loves his mother, of course, this is his role to love his mother, but he seldom thinks of me even when his mother torturing me during my previous confinement time.
Last Saturday even funny, I was crying while I was lazing on the bed…I never thought he would come in to have his nap and let him see the situation accidentally, he did ask me why but I didn’t tell him, he didn't go further and dozed off. See, he made me dropped to downhill more, even I don’t tell him what has happened but I also yearning for a simple pat or hug. Then at night, he asked me is it whether I don't have a daughter so I felt so down after he got the traces by reading my blog especially the title “I want daughter”. Funny o? I said no…then he said maybe due to I don't have suitable place to do my confinement, ok, I admitted this is part of my problem…he didn't discuss with me further and just said, maybe he should buy another house for me in KK since I don't want to stay in his current house where my PILs will visit the place all the time…he said this but I can't see any clearer picture about it..i know that's not wise again to buy a house in KK since we have one already, we just hope we can settle the house loan in KL asap and buy another property in KL rather than in KK. KK sounds deserted sometimes…
Maybe I am just so lonely and triggered these blues, I need a person who can talk to me, the whole day only Jo who is able to talk to me but the talks are kid's talk, I want an intimacy talk but I just lacked of it..for him, living room is TV time, bedroom is sleeping time..then how about his wife time? Got, talk rubbish of couse have…I tell you, everynight I have to doze off before him, I hate to see the dead silent night after he falls asleep….i prefer sleep before him at least I won't be so down to think why there is nobody to talk to me again tonight..
That's my life here…you see me happy? No..i am not…
OK, I assume he loves me very much in the way of “I will work hard and give you comfortable life, but other things just don’t bother me”…..ok, so I just own his money but not him..i will remember this again..